sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Acid is not a monday night drug
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
