Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
