So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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