Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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