make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
