So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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