your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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