idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
