I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
