the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
