OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
