I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
