It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Randomize
