The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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