You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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