They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
