you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
