Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
