She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
