that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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