I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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