I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
