Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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