Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
