So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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