Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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