Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
How external is "for external use only"?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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