I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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