My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
