Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
