this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
