Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
