how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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