She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
