everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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