Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
