I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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