Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize