I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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