i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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