I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
