mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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