i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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