Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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