In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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