i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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