I will die if light touches me.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
