It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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