Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
