My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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