Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
