You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
