piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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