i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
