Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
