If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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