put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
