I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
