Can i not drive my cunt home
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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